How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
