wrigley field is MILF paradise
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
