i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
