i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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