Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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