: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
