i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
