i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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