OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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