At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize