LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
