I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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