No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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