When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
