Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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