all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
