Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize