Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
