I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
