meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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