i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
