my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
