I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
