Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Randomize
