i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
