what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
