11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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