next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize