he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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