You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
