I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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