the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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