Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
