Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
