Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize