xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
