I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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