Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I got inside last night via doggy door
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize