Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
