Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
