Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
