the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
