I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
