Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
