How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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