3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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