he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
