so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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