Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize