Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize