I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
