this beer tastes like vomit already
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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