one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
