I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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