You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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