i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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