I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
