Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
