we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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