so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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