We need to start having sex underwater more often.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
