I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
