hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
